Protesters Have Gone Too Far, Claim Police
A group protesting against the Erisianna government began a riot yesterday which resulted in the death of Mr. Benson, a police officer.
1. "This is an outrage!" cries Police Chief Randy Christmas. "The people of Erisianna just don't know how good they have it! Our nation is a gem compared to many others, but if you give an inch they will take a mile. I had to tell officer Benson's wife yesterday that their child will grow up without a father. Do I think public protests should be outlawed? You're damn right I do."
2. "It all happened so fast," says Dave Frederickson, one of the protesters. "The crowd was just chanting, you know... and then they tear gassed us. I saw one cop, this Mr. Benson, club a teenager right in the face! For what? Speaking his mind! That's when the crowd rushed him. I'm sorry he's dead, but the police think they have a right to do whatever they want - things get out of hand sometimes. I think the police department should keep out of the way when we're protesting - even if things do get... excited."
3. "It's because protests get out of hand sometimes that we need a police presence," argues PC Melbourne Broadside eventually after singing the national anthem to you. "Even violent protestors have a right to feel safe on the streets. If that means we have to die to protect the innocent, then that means we have to die. I think protests should be restricted to a designated area where police can keep an eye on the protestors. Then everything can go nice and smoothly and no one will have to worry about being beaten to death."
Baseball League Steps Up To The Plate
The Batter Up! Baseball League has begun to grow in popularity and is now seeking government support in establishing teams and stadiums throughout the nation.
1. "Holy cow, is this gonna be great!" hollers BUBL President and sports nut Calvin McAlpin, wearing a fashionable giant foam finger on his right hand. "Baseball is just what Erisianna needs right now! Think about it: soda, popcorn, hot dogs... oh, and I'm sure the economy will benefit somehow, too! All we need is the government funding to build stadiums and teams, and we'll be on every TV and in every city in the country!"
2. "You're going to spend the taxpayer's money on WHAT?" counters Minister of Finance Klaus Jones, from a newly furnished office. "I mean, I love playing a good game of baseball every now and then, but does the government really need to go around supporting this? The only people that are going to benefit are a bunch of fat-cat burger vendors and bored hicks with nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon! We need to stop spending so much money on these ridiculous games and get back to what's really important: running the business of the country."
The Queendom of Erisianna
UN Category: Left-Leaning College State
Civil Rights: World Benchmark Economy: Strong Political Freedoms: Excellent
The Queendom of Erisianna is a very large, socially progressive nation, renowned for its devotion to social welfare. Its compassionate, intelligent population of 110 million enjoy extensive civil freedoms, particularly in social issues, while business tends to be more regulated.
It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, liberal government stops and the rest of society begins, but it juggles the competing demands of Education, Healthcare, and Social Welfare. The average income tax rate is 55%, and even higher for the wealthy. A substantial private sector is led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, followed by Gambling and Uranium Mining.
X-Files ratings have hit an all-time low, an enormous health awareness programme is underway, soylent products are an expensive commodity due to a lack of volunteers, and eight year-olds with lemonade stands have been known to be locked up on charges of embezzlement. Crime is relatively low. Erisianna's national animal is the fnord and its currency is the golden apple.