Kids And Criminality: Whose Responsibility?
Recent studies showing that the sources of Erisianna's most common street crimes (vandalism, muggings, joyriding, and witchcraft) are children under the age of criminal responsibility has prompted a national outcry for government action.
1. "These damned hooligans are running wild on our streets!" splutters hard-nosed Sergeant Samuel Broadside of the police force. "My overworked officers can't cope anymore! Everywhere we look we're being surrounded by mobs of unruly children! I need you to give me and my officers the power to dish out punishment to these little hoodlums. I don't care how young these kids are - they need to learn to behave properly as soon as possible. Even if it requires a short jail sentence of ten years or so."
2. "The last thing we need is a police force that prosecutes, convicts, AND sentences young kids!" yells outraged Child Welfare Officer May Barry. "These youngsters are merely children being playful! Let them learn from their own mistakes! You can't tell me you weren't ever naughty when you were that young! Experience is the tree from which learning is a fruit, remember, and besides: the taxes needed to round them all up would be murder."
3. "Hah! Yeh're lookin' at this the wrong way!" says Samuel du Pont, an elderly pensioner, hobbling up to you and poking you in the chest with a walking stick. "When I was wee, and if I was caught breakin' the law, me dad would've beaten seven types of bahoola out of me! If a kid's gone maladjusted and started nickin' cars and whatnot, look at the parents and punish them for not bringin' the tiny scions up right! Yeh can't blame a kid for the environment they were raised in an' that's that!"
Gunman Kills Three
Tragedy struck Erisianna today, as a gunman killed three people in a suburban shooting rampage. The community is united in grief, but divided in opinion as to what should be done.
1. The strongest voices demand tighter gun controls. "The only way to prevent further atrocities is to take the guns out of the hands of the murderers," says anti-gun campaigner Chastity Li. "There's no justification for them in today's society. We need tighter regulations on who can hold guns, so only our police and military have them."
2. "That's not all we need," says radical left-wing activist Pip Mistletoe. "The government should ban all guns outright--even in the police force. This is an opportunity to make Erisianna a totally gun-free state."
3. "Guns don't kill people, people kill people," says NRA head honcho Abraham Thiesen. "If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Is that what we want? Think, people. The answer isn't to ban guns. It's to crack down on those Hollywood movies and computer games that glamorize violence. They're the real criminals."
Dismissed!, some very crappy alternatives.