Erisianna Plagued by STD Epidemic!
A medical report has detailed a 20-fold increase in infection rates over the past 10 years of the sexually transmitted disease VODAIS (Viral Overactive Dysfunction of the Auto-Immune System). People all over the nation are petitioning that the government do something about the epidemic.
1. “This situation is about to explode. At this rate, this epidemic could severely impact our economy, our way of life, and even our government.” says Doctor Akira Gutenberg. “We must supply powerful drugs to all infected people, even if we have to produce and distribute it ourselves. We must also educate people on the dangers of VODAIS and supply condoms to all sexually active males. Sure, we'll need to divert tax money from the military to fund all this, but what good is a military if the soldiers are too sick to fight?”
2. “If you supply condoms, you’ll increase sexual promiscuity,” scoffs religious leader Chastity McGuffin. “If you supply drugs, you’ll risk creating an aura of invincibility which in turn increases sexual promiscuity. Sexual abstinence is 100% effective in preventing VODAIS infection. This knowledge must be taught at all schools and workplaces, and all other choices must be ridiculed. Make celibacy the only option!.”
3. “Supplying drugs and condoms will not stop VODAIS infections and forcing everyone to be celibate will be the slow death of Erisianna,” whispers Health Minister Prudence O'Bannon in a poorly-lit back room. “Segregating the infected people is the most effective method. Everybody in Erisianna must be tested for VODAIS. Then all the VODAIS positive people will be shipped to seperate gated communities away from the rest of us. If they need to mingle with uninfected people, then they must wear distinguishing badges that feature a Grim Reaper holding a skeletal fnord.”
Road Rage Rampage
Due to the ever-increasing traffic on Erisianna's highways, commuter tempers are flaring, leading to an increase in road rage related accidents. A recent case in which a very impatient driver attacked and seriously injured a slow driver has brought the subject rapidly to the highest levels of the government.
1. "The problem is that our highway system is sorely in need of an overhaul. Erisianna's highways were constructed with a far smaller number of cars in mind- we've exceeded that traffic load by a substantial amount, resulting in traffic jams. Traffic jams lead to impatience, impatience leads to anger, anger leads to road rage, and road rage leads to violence." Claims social commentator Thomas Love. "We need to expand the freeway system by adding more lanes to relieve the traffic congestion."
2. "You add new lanes, even MORE people will drive, putting us right back at square one!" Counters Pip Steele of Erisianna's public transportation committee. "Instead of throwing tons of money at a short-term solution, why not spend it on improving bus and rail service and encouraging carpooling? Oh, and get more highway patrol officers to crack down on these violent drivers who pose safety threats to the rest of us."
3. "*BLEEP!* that *BLEEP!*" Max Rubin yells at the top of her lungs from the window of her very large pickup truck with a gun rack mounted in the rear window. "The government should just *BLEEP!*ing stay out of our daily *BLEEP!*ing drive! They ought to let us *BLEEP!*ing rushed businesspeople go about our daily *BLEEP!*ing business, no matter what *BLEEP!*ing measures we have to take to get to *BLEEP!*ing work on time!
Put the "Board" Back in Board of Education
The Erisianna Teachers' Union, complaining of a steady increase in student disciplinary problems, wants to be able to use corporal punishment to correct misbehavior.
1. "Clearly, parents aren't teaching manners at home," says Calvin Thiesen, the union president. "All we want is to be able to take a paddle to their backsides when there are problems. It's not like we want to throw the kids in jail."
2. "Keep your hands off my kids!" shouts Sue-Ann Nagasawa, while protesting outside of union headquarters. "If there's a problem, it's with the teachers not having the skills to do their jobs. They should be tested for qualifications!"
3. "Corporal punishment would only treat a symptom of the bigger problem: our education system is in need of an overhaul," says Falala Thiesen, Erisianna's education minister. "We need smaller class sizes, more teachers, better buildings, and better pay. It'll cost, but it'll pay off in the long run."
4. "Why don't we just abolish the schools and home-school the kids?" asks Johann Barry, education coordinator for the Erisianna First Omnimenical Church. "That way parents can stress the values they want their kids to have and give them the attention they need."
Suits in Protest
Thousands of business men and women have taken to the streets in protest of their working conditions and pay. "It's not fair that we can't have a union," says Buffy Licorish, VP of Sales at SlothCorp. "Just because we make six figures doesn't mean we don't deserve overtime too! It's high time that the lower classes come to appreciate our hard efforts."
1. Aaron Trax, secretary of commerce, recommends you ignore these commies. "Free enterprise means not having to succumb to unions, and the world has enough unions already."
2. Lars Jefferson, secretary of labor, advises you to adjust laws to allow white-collar unions. "It only makes sense that all of the workers in our nation have equal opportunity to benefit from the advantages of collective bargaining."
3. "Get these people out of the street!" advises Aaron McGuffin, local police chief. "They're blocking traffic, and making it impossible for the common man to drive to the megamall!"
4. Finally, Right Reverend Peggy Rifkin proclaims, "The downtrodden are suffering at the hands of the MAN, and these wealthy upper shelf vice presidents are asking to make the rich richer and the poor poorer! The only reason the common worker needs a union is to be able to fight against the oppression of these slave drivers! It's ludicrous that these greedy scrooges are asking for even MORE money! Send them packing and raise taxes on the wealthy to bring more equality to our nation!"