Animal Experimentation Laws Under Scrutiny
Scientists and animal rights activists have once again brought up the debate over animal experimentation to your attention.
1. "What have those poor, defenceless animals ever done to us?" asks Bill Barry, owner of the East Erisianna fnord Sanctuary. "Kidnapping these helpless creatures from their habitat simply to stick probes and needles in them is just barbaric! How would you like it if someone caged you in a lab and conducted tests on you just to find out whether a new product was fit for sale? Experimenting on animals ought to be banned!"
2. "It is not unethical," replies Dr. George W. Steele, the chief surgeon at Erisianna's largest Cancer Research Clinic. "The unethical thing to do would be to deny the public of the benefit of the great scientific advancements we're making! If we have to sacrifice some animals in the name of science, healthcare, or a commerical venture, then that's just what we've got to do! Think of the lives we could save! All we require is more government support and funding for this worthy cause."
Dismissed (I won't ban it because it's necessary, but I won't fund it either.)
Stop The Suits, Say Surgeons
Recently, medical insurance premiums across the nation have been skyrocketing following several highly-publicised medical-malpractice lawsuits, making it even costlier than ever to get treatment. Doctors are asking the government to step in.
1. "These lawsuits are driving up the price of medical insurance," complains Dr. Alexei du Pont. "I'm losing customers - patients, I mean - and it's becoming increasingly difficult for doctors like me to do our jobs without worrying about being bankrupted by some kid who didn't like the hospital food. Everyone makes mistakes. Look at politicians, they make them all the time and do they get fired? No. We must outlaw the medical-malpractice lawsuits undermining our healthcare system!"
2. "All that these doctors are interested in is saving their own necks," says Max Silk, CEO of 'I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm!'. "They were negligent in the course of their work and are unwilling to pay the price. I mean, how do you perform a heart transplant on the wrong guy unless you're not paying attention? I for one think that our citizens deserve better from the healthcare service, and if doctors cause damage, they should pay for it. It's that simple. If some decent doctors get caught up in it, then it's surely their own fault for not being careful enough?"
3. "The problem is capitalism," insists Tobias Mistletoe, while trying to burn a golden apple with a lighter. "The doctors are only trying to help their patients, and those class traitors at the insurance industry are only trying to make a profit out of people's misery on those rare occasions when things go wrong. I say we outlaw the insurance industry and then the good doctors will be safe while the bad ones go out of business. Everyone wins! Apart from the insurance people, I guess."
4. "The problem certainly is capitalism," says Beth Jones, a famed socialist. "But outlawing the insurance industry will not solve the main problem: the healthcare system itself! It's disgusting! I've seen paramedics check wallets before injuries! We must introduce a national health service and put some healthy investment into medical colleges, hospitals, and the likes. Then we'll have an over-abundance of competent doctors! The insurance industry won't be able to raise a finger to it and the citizens won't have to pay for treatment. Except through tax, of course."