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Artsy me - by Micha

Drive back the chaos


I took up the theme again that music and acting were good because they drove back chaos. Chaos was the meaninglessness of day-to-day life, and if we were to die now, our lives would have been nothing but meaninglessness. In fact, it came to me that my mother dying soon was meaningless and I confided in Nicolas what she had said. "I'm perfectly horrified. I'm afraid."

Well, if there had been a Golden Moment in the room it was gone now. And something different started to happen.

I should call it the Dark Moment, but it was still high-pitched and full of eerie light. We were talking rapidly, cursing this meaninglessness, and when Nicolas at last sat down and put his head in his hands, I took some glamourous and hearty swigs of wine and went to pacing and gesturing as he had done before.

I realized aloud in the midst if saying it that even when we die we probably don't find out the answer as to why we were ever alive. Even the avowed atheist probably thinks that in death he'll get some answer. I mean God will be there, or there won't be anything at all.

"But that's just it," I said, "we don't make any discovery at that moment! We merely stop! We pass into nonexistence without ever knowing a thing." I saw the universe, a vision of the sun, the planets, the stars, black night going on forever. And I began to laugh.

"Do you realize that! We'll never know why the hell any of it happened, not even when it's over!" I shouted at Nicolas, who was sitting back on the bed, nodding and drinking his wine out of a flagon. "We're going to die and not even know. We'll never know, and all this meaninglessness will just go on and on and on. And we won't any longer be witnesses to it. We won't have even that little bit of power to give meaning to it in our minds. We'll just be gone, dead, dead, dead, without ever knowing!"

But I had stopped laughing. I stood still and I understood perfectly what I was saying!

There was no judgment day, no final explanation, no luminous moment in which all terrible wrongs would be made right, all horrors redeemed.

The witches burnt at the stake would never be avenged.

No one was ever going to tell us anything!

No, I didn't understand it at this moment. I saw it! And I began to make the single sound: "Oh!" I said it again "Oh!" and then I said it louder and louder and louder, and I dropped the wine bottle on the floor. I put my hands to my head and I kept saying it, and I could see my mouth opened in that perfect circle that I had described to my mother and I kept saying "Oh, oh, oh!"

I said it like a great hiccuping that I couldn't stop. And Nicolas took hold of me and started shaking me, saying:

"Lestat, stop!"

I couldn't stop. I ran to the window, unlatched it and swung out the heavy little glass, and I stared at the stars. I couldn't stand seeing them. I couldn't stand seeing the pure emptiness, the silence, the absolute absence of any answer, and I started roaring as Nicolas pulled me back from the windowsill and pulled shut the glass.

"You'll be all right," he said over and over.

[...]

The second day it was no better.

I ate, drank, slept, but every waking moment was pure panic and pure pain. I went to the village priest and demanded did he really believe the Body of Christ was present on the altar at the Consecration. And after hearing his stammered answers, and seeing fear in his eyes, I went away more desperate than before.

"But how do you live, how do you go on breathing and moving and doing things when you know there is no explanation?" I was raving finally. And then Nicolas said maybe the music would make me feel better. He would play the violin.

I was afraid of the intensity of it. But we went to the orchard and in the sunshine Nicolas played every song he knew. I sat there with my arms folded and my knees drawn up, my teeth chattering though we were right in the hot sun, and the sun was glaring off the little polished violin, and I watched Nicolas swaying into the music as he stood before me, the raw pure sounds swelling magically to fill the orchard and the valley, though it wasn't magic, and Nicolas put his arms around me finally and we just sat there silent, and then he said very softly, "Lestat, believe me, this will pass."

"Play again," I said. "The music is innocent."

Nicolas smiled and nodded. Pamper the madman.

And I knew it wasn't going to pass, and nothing for the moment could make me forget, but what I felt was inexpressible gratitude for the music, that in this horror there could be something as beautiful as that.

You couldn't understand anything; and you couldn't change anything. But you could make music like that. And I felt the same gratitude when I saw the village children dancing, when I saw their arms raised and their knees bent, and their bodies turning to the rhythm of the songs they sang. I started to cry watching them.

I wandered into the church and on my knees I leaned against the wall and I looked at the ancient statues and I felt the same gratitude looking at the finely carved fingers and the noses and the ears and the expressions on their faces and the deep folds in their garments, and I couldn't stop myself from crying.

At least we had these beautiful things, I said. Such goodness.

But nothing natural seemed beautiful to me now! The very sight of a great tree standing alone in a field could make me tremble and cry out. Fill the orchard with music.

And let me tell you a little secret. It never did pass, really.



Anne Rice, the Vampire Lestat

Comments

Vamps, eh? :-X
Out of the entire thing, all you got out is "vamps"?!
More or less, yes. However...

"We're going to die and not even know. We'll never know, and all this meaninglessness will just go on and on and on. And we won't any longer be witnesses to it. We won't have even that little bit of power to give meaning to it in our minds. We'll just be gone, dead, dead, dead, without ever knowing!"

This used to be a major fear of mine about death.
How did you deal with it?
One of the main reasons I started studying was to find a...an answer to that question or a comfort for that fear. I sat with it for 9 yrs (from 10-18yrs old) and it kept me up every night (along with the thought that I might never see my deceased mother or grandmother again). I mean I thought about how inescapable death is and how one day I simply wouldn't exist, and how I would be (and people are) dead for SO much longer than I was ever alive. It terrified me and if I thought too hard or long about it, I'd have panic attacks where all I wanted to do was get out of my skin. So I just tried to convince myself that I simply wouldn't die. :X

As I started studying, I learned about the condition of the dead and the resurrection hope. I really think the happiest day of my life will be when I get to see my mom and granny again (provided I make it into the new system). As time went on I started to see that the Bible really did have valid info that I could trust in, so that fear isn't there so much anymore. Certainly I don't want to die, but I'm not as fearful of it, since I now know: a) where my mom and granny are (just asleep), b) that God and Jesus view death as like sleep (and it's just as easy for them to bring someone back as for us to wake someone up), and c) that as long as I die serving God, he'll bring me back.

LOL I'm not trying to witness to you (like preaching to the choir) but that's really just how I dealt w/ it.
But you know that no one can be sure of whether or not they'll be resurrected until it finally happens, we don't believe in that "saved once, saved forever" thing. How do you control your fear of possibly not being brought back? Do you just not think about it?
Oh I know "once saved, always saved" isn't true. And since that's not the case, I try to follow and apply the teachings closely (and for the right reasons) so that my hope at resurrection is stronger. It does say that "God is not unrighteous as to forget your work and the love you showed for his name..." (Heb. 6:10) so I just trust that if I'm doing the right thing, he'll notice and won't forget about me.

And I really can say that I don't have that fear anymore. I occasionally think about it but I don't get the panic attacks because I'm like "No, such-and-such verse says..." I know now what happens at death. Not knowing was a huge part of the fear, as was the inevitability and permanence of death. Viewing it as sleep is more comforting than as not existing (though it's the same difference, being conscious of nothing) but I don't view it as permanent anymore because I know God can and will reverse it one day, and then do away w/ it completely. Also, with the way this system is going, I wouldn't be surprised if it ended during my lifetime. I might live through the Great Tribulation, so my death might not be inevitable. I mean, if it turns out that I don't get everlasting life, it'll have been purely because I failed at serving God somehow, and that would suck . But should that occur, it wouldn't be because death was all there ever was.

Did any of that make sense? I was trying to phrase it the way I think about it...
It did make sense... I guess I'm feeling a bit insecure about whether or not I'm pleasing Jehovah...

Fear of death?

doubtful, more like fear of displeasing God, What does our future hold Death(painless, nonexistance,no memorys, nothing) or everlasting life. win win situation.
one if we die and don't come back we will never know it, two death and resurection jack pot.
hello
wanna se a trick
LMG
Darn fine series of books... I own and have read them all... They get the mind working, they do...
I've only read Interview and Lestat, which I own. Still looking to find the third book in english somewhere.

That part I quoted gives me the shivers, I relate to it too much.

more books try amozon or ebay

the body thief
Queen of the Damn
Memnock the devil
are the next in series for vampire chronicles
i think its been a while scence i read them.
I understand.

You peel back the layers and there is nothing but belief. Nothing in the shadow. And nothing in the light. Nothing but what you want and hope to be true.

That is all i should say.
Thanks. It's kind of a relief to hear it from other people...
It's a weird feeling, (in my opinion). When in the past i have encountered someone that felt the same way about something i did. I remember when i was young and in love with Belle and Sebastian. I used to walk down the street whistling their melodies hoping that on the off chance someone would hear it and recognize them.

I am not sure what i would have done had i actually encountered someone. Hugged them or killed them.. Its probably the same thing anyway.