After the movies they all left. I hate throwing parties because of that. Makes me feel like they were all just waiting for an opportunity to leave. Like my self-confidence isn't low enough already.
So now it's over. Felt like my whole life was leading up to this afternoon, and now it's passed. That's an exaggeration. I didn't even think that until just now. But I feel crappier than I have in a really long time. I feel just crappy enough to tell you the whole story with Leo... It's not like I can get any worse.
We met last May. I'd arrived in town little over a month earlier and I was starting to get to know the people at the congregation and at school. Man, that feels like centuries ago. I didn't think I was getting to know people quickly enough, so Alex (my Bible instructor) and I planned a lunch out, so we invited everyone for pizza at this place in the mall.That was when I first spoke to Leo, I'd never even noticed him at the congregation (Eduardo, on the other hand, I did notice *wink, wink*). We talked all afternoon-long, and had a great time, but I didn't see him THAT way yet.
We started to talk in the congregation, I had other little get-togethers and, you know, people talk. Everybody seemed to think we were dating. I hadn't even considered that then, especially because I had never noticed him do anything more than friendly towards me. But the rumors got me thinking about it. I don't know, maybe I got pressured into liking him, after all.
Anyway, we became good friends, best friends in Alex's opinion. We saw each other almost everyday and I started to notice that every day that I woke up knowing I wouldn't see him felt like it was going to be a bad day. And every once in a while he'd do something (like give me a flower, or come and visit to entertain me just because I said I was bored, or tell me he invited a bunch of people to see a movie, but when I get to the theater, he's the only one there and no one else shows up) or say something (like that time he said meeting me had been the best thing that happened to him in the last year) that would make me think he felt the same way.
But he wanted to be a ministerial servant. And I'm not baptized. And the rumors weren't going to help him get "the job". So he "broke up" with me. Yes, now, looking back at it and with Marcus' (the kid from About a Boy) concept of dating, I say he was my boyfriend. And he said we shouldn't/couldn't see each other as much anymore. So he broke up with me. But I didn't know it at the time, so I didn't take him seriously, I continued to talk to him whenever he was there and he continued to do/say things that made me believe he liked me.
One day, at a party, he cornered me to ask what were my "intentions" (which makes me believe he thinks I like him, but isn't sure). I kind of freaked out on him and said I had no intentions at all and didn't talk to him again... Now why'd I do that? Oh, yeah, so he wouldn't have to give up something he really wanted because of me, if he likes me. And if he doesn't, to spare me the humiliation.
The next day he apologized and said (even more) things that made me think he liked me, but didn't want to admit it so he wouldn't lose "the job" he doesn't even have yet, but that sometimes he felt tired of hiding it. So we were back on the game.
That was, until he started again with the we-shouldn't-see-each-other-as-much-anym
So in the last week of August I went to visit my parents in Curitiba, and I didn't tell anyone in advance except for Alex. She said I should have it announced in the congregation so I'd bring Christian love to whichever congregation I was going to in Curitiba. After the reunion I was talking to everyone, explaining that I didn't have the opportunity to tell them in advance because I didn't know I'd be able to go, I only had that break because of the teacher strike. And I didn't know when I was coming back because the teacher strike could end at any moment, and I'd just have to fly back as soon as possible. I guess he only overheard this last bit, 'cause he didn't speak to me, just said "bye" on his way out.
When I came back, two weeks later, when the strike ended, Cecilia told me Leo had gotten upset 'cause he thought he deserved more than that, he thought he was special to me... Go figure! So today I had this party and he came. He's doing it again, what he used to, say or do something now and then that sounds like he feels something for me. And every now and then he'll do or say something that throws me off entirely. Does he do it on purpose so I can't be sure of his feelings towards me? Or is that just something guys do?
There isn't really a way to know. Yeah, I could ask, but then he'd answer. And I might not like the answer. Or worse: it could be just what I hope it is, and then we'd have to do something about it. Only we can't! So it's a dilemma, but both possibilities suck big time. How am I to choose? So I won't! I'll just wait and see where this leads...