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Artsy me - by Micha

The party

It was really good. Really. Everybody was late, as usual, some more than others. We (Leo, Junior, Rafael, Alex and I) played dominoes until Denise, Claudia and Eduardo arrived with the movies: Just Married and About a Boy. The first went fine, but the second... If you've seen it, you know what scene I'm talking about: the kid asks what's the difference between a girl who's a friend and a girlfriend. I thought I was going to die, or at least pass out. And Denise re winded and played that scene again. And I died again.

After the movies they all left. I hate throwing parties because of that. Makes me feel like they were all just waiting for an opportunity to leave. Like my self-confidence isn't low enough already.

So now it's over. Felt like my whole life was leading up to this afternoon, and now it's passed. That's an exaggeration. I didn't even think that until just now. But I feel crappier than I have in a really long time. I feel just crappy enough to tell you the whole story with Leo... It's not like I can get any worse.

We met last May. I'd arrived in town little over a month earlier and I was starting to get to know the people at the congregation and at school. Man, that feels like centuries ago. I didn't think I was getting to know people quickly enough, so Alex (my Bible instructor) and I planned a lunch out, so we invited everyone for pizza at this place in the mall.That was when I first spoke to Leo, I'd never even noticed him at the congregation (Eduardo, on the other hand, I did notice *wink, wink*). We talked all afternoon-long, and had a great time, but I didn't see him THAT way yet.

We started to talk in the congregation, I had other little get-togethers and, you know, people talk. Everybody seemed to think we were dating. I hadn't even considered that then, especially because I had never noticed him do anything more than friendly towards me. But the rumors got me thinking about it. I don't know, maybe I got pressured into liking him, after all.

Anyway, we became good friends, best friends in Alex's opinion. We saw each other almost everyday and I started to notice that every day that I woke up knowing I wouldn't see him felt like it was going to be a bad day. And every once in a while he'd do something (like give me a flower, or come and visit to entertain me just because I said I was bored, or tell me he invited a bunch of people to see a movie, but when I get to the theater, he's the only one there and no one else shows up) or say something (like that time he said meeting me had been the best thing that happened to him in the last year) that would make me think he felt the same way.

But he wanted to be a ministerial servant. And I'm not baptized. And the rumors weren't going to help him get "the job". So he "broke up" with me. Yes, now, looking back at it and with Marcus' (the kid from About a Boy) concept of dating, I say he was my boyfriend. And he said we shouldn't/couldn't see each other as much anymore. So he broke up with me. But I didn't know it at the time, so I didn't take him seriously, I continued to talk to him whenever he was there and he continued to do/say things that made me believe he liked me.

One day, at a party, he cornered me to ask what were my "intentions" (which makes me believe he thinks I like him, but isn't sure). I kind of freaked out on him and said I had no intentions at all and didn't talk to him again... Now why'd I do that? Oh, yeah, so he wouldn't have to give up something he really wanted because of me, if he likes me. And if he doesn't, to spare me the humiliation.

The next day he apologized and said (even more) things that made me think he liked me, but didn't want to admit it so he wouldn't lose "the job" he doesn't even have yet, but that sometimes he felt tired of hiding it. So we were back on the game.

That was, until he started again with the we-shouldn't-see-each-other-as-much-anymore thing. This time he meant it. I made sure of that. I was upset (since I had finally realized that, in a way, that was a break up). So I was... just a little mean to him... at times... Needless to say, that didn't help much. I missed being good friends with him, though. It wasn't just fun, sometimes we actually talked about our dreams and plans and whatever crazy idea was on our minds. And then we didn't.

So in the last week of August I went to visit my parents in Curitiba, and I didn't tell anyone in advance except for Alex. She said I should have it announced in the congregation so I'd bring Christian love to whichever congregation I was going to in Curitiba. After the reunion I was talking to everyone, explaining that I didn't have the opportunity to tell them in advance because I didn't know I'd be able to go, I only had that break because of the teacher strike. And I didn't know when I was coming back because the teacher strike could end at any moment, and I'd just have to fly back as soon as possible. I guess he only overheard this last bit, 'cause he didn't speak to me, just said "bye" on his way out.

When I came back, two weeks later, when the strike ended, Cecilia told me Leo had gotten upset 'cause he thought he deserved more than that, he thought he was special to me... Go figure! So today I had this party and he came. He's doing it again, what he used to, say or do something now and then that sounds like he feels something for me. And every now and then he'll do or say something that throws me off entirely. Does he do it on purpose so I can't be sure of his feelings towards me? Or is that just something guys do?

There isn't really a way to know. Yeah, I could ask, but then he'd answer. And I might not like the answer. Or worse: it could be just what I hope it is, and then we'd have to do something about it. Only we can't! So it's a dilemma, but both possibilities suck big time. How am I to choose? So I won't! I'll just wait and see where this leads...
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WOW that is one looong post but i read it most of the stuff i already knew and i found myself smiling at certain parts because i know EXACTLY how you feel well not exactly since your you and i'm insane but pretty close so many things you said were exactly how i felt with John and believe me it drove me nuts and still does to this day
you remember he'd say things sweet to me or send me a smile that i knew i hadn't seen him give Bron or Val and with all my friends telling me that he liked me i became more and more freaked and questioning there was weeks where i questioned every move he'd make with me and it drove me insane remember how i used to get sooo upset and fucked up over it? well the thing is i learned something that i'm still rusty with now and haven't still been able to use as much with John but you can:

Be straight with him!!!! take him aside and tell him everything it'll get a load off your chest and resolve your problem
and make sure to be very clear that you expect the very thing back from him that he has to be straight with you no censors.

anywho i could give you sooo much more advice and comments about this but i can't do it typing it out...grr i wish you were a phone call away!!!

love you always
Well, I get your point now. And I also came to understand a lot more how you felt back then! There was/is so much at stake! Our friendship, our future (whether we have a future or not. We don't even have a present!), my pride... It's not easy to make this kind of decision. Once I say those words, they won't come back, there's no way of undoing it if it goes terribly wrong, which is the most likely alternative. And If it turns out that he likes me too, we can't do anything about it because I don't want him to give up something he's worked so hard for so long for me. I don't want that responsibility over my head.

Plus, we're so young to get serious. And it would be, in the eyes of the congregation. There's no room to just date for the fun of it. We're not supposed to play with each other's feelings, someone always gets hurt in those games, often both. And it would be a lot easier if it was school or if I was still going to move to another city, but I'm not. If we eventually go out and break up, I'll have to be around him every week, three times a week until something happens, one of us decides to change congregations, for instance.

But what worries me the most is that maybe it'd work out, or at least we'd believe it would work out for a long time, then this could be a long-term relationship, and I don't want to screw it up by rushing it. So I'm stuck in this position. If I move, something will blow up.