Andrea Coelho (maidden) wrote,
Andrea Coelho

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Time to be depressed.

I wonder when was the last time my name came up in a conversation each of my old friends was having. Not just the girls from Montreal, although it is mostly about them. I'm not intentionally trying to torture myself, I just caught my thoughts... wondering. At some party someone tells a silly joke that makes no sense and someone else is reminded of me. Or during a meal with a couple of other common friends someone mentions an incident involving me and my name comes up, even if just for a moment. I know I'll be forgotten. I allowed myself to not think about it for a while, but then I remember again. Funny how these things work. I hardly talk to Azra anymore, even when she's on msn. Or Sunnya. I've lost touch with pretty much every friend I had from before that. Some lost friendships just hurt more than others for reasons I don't feel like analyzing right now. I've never been taught how to maintain a long-distance friendship, I don't know how. Hell, I don't know how to maintain a regular friendship. This worries me more than I let myself realize. I could say that I feel lonely, sometimes, even while surrounded by people I know, people who like me. It wouldn't be true. I hardly ever feel lonely anymore. It's just right now. I try very hard not to become a drama queen, but maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm trying too hard to seem happier than I actually am. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who's sad all the time, and being by myself wouldn't help, so I smile. It's not a fake smile, mind you. It's just very tiresome to hold on to it when I'd much rather be... I dunno. Asleep. I don't like wanting to sleep so much. Ever since I learned that death is pretty much like sleeping. It freaks me out how fast my brain goes from "I wish I could be asleep right now" to "I wish I could be dead right now... Do I wanna be dead right now?" I don't. I love life. I love living. I want to live forever. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just wish I didn't have to deal with things sometimes. Yeah, I'm a wimp. A weak-willed, hypocritical, dramatic wimp. And I complain too much. Just look at this post! I'm not dividing it into paragraphs so people will give up reading after seeing how big it is, this way I can ramble all I want and say all the crap I want and no-one will ever know, even though it's just a click away.

Yeah, I think I'm done now.
Tags: issues, montreal

  • Decided to make a backup of my journal, and then...

    ... got a blast from the past. The very first September 15th, 2003 Thanks for the code, Dani, I promise I'll put it to good use... Yeah, right!…

  • Time for change

    I think it's about time I gave the layout a bit of an update. On a totally different note, apparently I do need money...

  • Post #500

    To mark and celebrate this completely arbitrary number, I shall post... a personality quiz! And mention how strange it is that my personality seems…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.