Loads of stuff are happening over here too. My parents' 20th anniversary party's tomorrow. And they're getting all the furniture etc. packed and ready to go to Rio de Janeiro. Busy busy busy people. I must try to use this time to do the schoolwork I brought, go on field service as much as my body and mind can handle and... think... I have some stuff to figure out and understand.
Leo and I went to the beach yesterday night. We talked for a fairly long time, but I'm sure things could've gone much more smoothly if I hadn't already been through everything I have. I was obsessed with him! I can't really say I'm over him now, and I do still have hopes that, in the future, after I'm baptized, maybe, something could happen between us.
After all the stuff that happened I decided I wanted to forget my feelings toward him and just be his friend. He's a great guy when he wants to be, and I didn't want to just not hang out with him anymore. It was hard convincing myself to accept the circumstances, but I did, eventually. I'd be lying if I said I don't like him anymore, but I can honestly say that I don't think we should be in a relationship right now. I thought that was the healthy thing to do, the right thing to do.
But now he's been treating me differently. He told me yesterday about how he's had feelings for me, that that was his reason for saying "we shouldn't see each other as much" before. He told me what Claudia had already said to me before (about the other girl and the wanting to kiss me) and said he was, again, having to control himself just so he wouldn't "make a move on me" or something. Normally, I'd chalk it up to manipulation, the "other girl" is gone, so he's focusing on me again for lack of a better alternative. But I kind of believe him. I don't know why. The feelings I got used to ignoring are all surfacing again.
What's worse is that he says he's not sure if he likes me for who I am or if he's just feeling lonely. The defense system I created to protect myself from him keeps saying that the latter is the truth. But there's this other part of me, growing stronger, who wants to believe it's real.