June 23rd, 2004

Artsy me - by Micha


I am not well. I've never been this confused in my life. It all just feels pointless. I'm trying so hard not to give in to despair, holding on to Jehovah for help, but it's so overwhelming sometimes. I don't know what to do. I don't wanna give up, but I can't see the alternatives anymore. I feel pathetic writing this, even more than I already do most of the time, but I know I need to let it out somehow...

Most of the time I can just bury it all so deep in me that even I don't see it. And I'm happy. Not pretending, not faking, just... numb to it. And then every once in a while it all comes back. More frequently now. Yeah, last week I could blame hormones, but what am I gonna say this time?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I know the therapy is helping, it's bringing these things up for me to deal with so I'm not as deadened as before. But I don't know how to deal with these things! And no one can teach me. I feel like letting go of everything. Everything I always cared about feels worthless. I feel worthless.

Days without feeling despair: 9 0