January 30th, 2004

Artsy me - by Micha


I'm not really sure why I feel the need to justify myself on my blog. I guess it'll make explanations easier if any of my friends asks, I can just give them a link instead of saying / writing all of this again.

I had a conversation over msn with one of my friends from Canada and she asked if Leo and I had kissed yet, and when I said we hadn't, she had a very predictable reaction that still hurt me more than it should have.

You see, when I tell people he said he likes me but they overreact because we haven't kissed yet, it always seems kind of like the conversation's going a little like this: "So Leo and I eloped", "Really? Did you guys hold hands yet?", "No, but we did get married", "Oh. I see. But you haven't held hands?" And I know this illustration is ridiculous and exaggerated, but it's just to show how I feel. No, we aren't dating. We haven't ever made out yet. But he said he likes me, and that's... more! The physical stuff seems almost empty.

Don't get me wrong now, I want the physical stuff. I want to feel his hand on mine and our fingers intertwined. I want to be near him enough to smell his scent. Run my fingers through his hair and hold him so close I can feel his heart beating against my chest. Look deep into his eyes, those big dark circles. Windows to his soul. He always tries to hide it, but he can't. Not completely. Not from me - maybe he doesn't even want to. I want to feel the warmth of his skin and gently, slowly taste him, his lips. His tongue. And I know he wouldn't refuse me. He told me so.

But, more than that, I want him to be a ministerial servant. I want it because he wants it. And I want him happy. I want to make him happy. I'm not going to stand in his way, not for a moment if I can help it.

There's an order to things that somehow most people around me - not even Leo - can see. A way for things to be done. I know it, I see it clearly like solid road marks on my way. I need to follow them the way I'm supposed to if I don't want to screw it up. I can't skip steps. Now it's not the time for the physical stuff. I understand that and accept it, hard as it may be.

So, no, we haven't kissed. I figure it's a matter of time. The right time for each thing. Right now isn't the time for kissing, so his "declaration of love" is going to have to be enough.

[edit 08:22]: I was so sleepy when I wrote that... Almost drunk. Sorry for writing so much about something so silly.
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