January 18th, 2004

Artsy me - by Micha

Time to be depressed.

I wonder when was the last time my name came up in a conversation each of my old friends was having. Not just the girls from Montreal, although it is mostly about them. I'm not intentionally trying to torture myself, I just caught my thoughts... wondering. At some party someone tells a silly joke that makes no sense and someone else is reminded of me. Or during a meal with a couple of other common friends someone mentions an incident involving me and my name comes up, even if just for a moment. I know I'll be forgotten. I allowed myself to not think about it for a while, but then I remember again. Funny how these things work. I hardly talk to Azra anymore, even when she's on msn. Or Sunnya. I've lost touch with pretty much every friend I had from before that. Some lost friendships just hurt more than others for reasons I don't feel like analyzing right now. I've never been taught how to maintain a long-distance friendship, I don't know how. Hell, I don't know how to maintain a regular friendship. This worries me more than I let myself realize. I could say that I feel lonely, sometimes, even while surrounded by people I know, people who like me. It wouldn't be true. I hardly ever feel lonely anymore. It's just right now. I try very hard not to become a drama queen, but maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm trying too hard to seem happier than I actually am. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who's sad all the time, and being by myself wouldn't help, so I smile. It's not a fake smile, mind you. It's just very tiresome to hold on to it when I'd much rather be... I dunno. Asleep. I don't like wanting to sleep so much. Ever since I learned that death is pretty much like sleeping. It freaks me out how fast my brain goes from "I wish I could be asleep right now" to "I wish I could be dead right now... Do I wanna be dead right now?" I don't. I love life. I love living. I want to live forever. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just wish I didn't have to deal with things sometimes. Yeah, I'm a wimp. A weak-willed, hypocritical, dramatic wimp. And I complain too much. Just look at this post! I'm not dividing it into paragraphs so people will give up reading after seeing how big it is, this way I can ramble all I want and say all the crap I want and no-one will ever know, even though it's just a click away.

Yeah, I think I'm done now.