September 30th, 2003

Artsy me - by Micha


I think I might have an eating disorder... I've gotten into this vicious cycle where I'll eat like there's no tomorrow until I feel really sick, but do everything I can so I don't throw up, because that would mean I'm bulimic. Then starve myself off for a few days, partly out of guilt, partly to compensate for "screwing up my diet". Then, after practically fasting for a while, I'll feel that I deserve a treat and go eat something I like, but have no control over how much and stuff myself until I feel sick again...

This isn't good...

And you know what's worse? I always used to pride myself on the fact that I didn't care so much about my looks that I'd hurt myself just to look better, but the realization that I'm not above doing such things is wrecking whatever shred of self-esteem I had left. Now I feel like I'm just another stupid, shallow teen with an eating disorder.
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    nauseated nauseated
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Artsy me - by Micha


I seriously need to get organized, get my life together... Most of the time during the day I'm just online, or watching TV, or just doing nothing... Sure it's fun at first, but now I'm feeling completely useless. Plus, I'm going to sleep later and later at night, and that's not going to be an easy habit to break when classes start again, and I'll have classes in the mornings in the next semester...

I sometimes joke telling people I'm a spoilt brat or a lazy bum (or both), but lately I've realized how true these statements are, and it's bothering me in many levels... Man, I wish I had been properly educated to be my own person from early on my life, been a regular kid who spent all her life in one place, with the same friends, in the same school and neighborhood, with chores and hobbies...

I wouldn't want to have had a different life because that's what made me who I am today, and I know I'm not as horrible as I'm thinking I am right now. But I know I'm going to have a hard time to improve myself the way I want to. And I'm not used to having a hard time to do anything... It was good while it lasted. Now I need to grow up.
  • Current Music
    Seja voce by Paralamas do sucesso
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