September 29th, 2003

Artsy me - by Micha

I'm starting to hate my server

It's probably not their fault for last night, since we had a short black-out (I have no explanation for, but that's just because I never watch the news) and then my Internet was down again until this morning. Grrrr, it's the second time I skip a day and I hate that.

Saturday night was a pretty "interesting". I got to listen to my mom and Cecilia making decisions about my love life (or lack thereof). Now they're both against the possibility that Leo and I might get together someday. My mom says I'm too young and Cecilia said I'm "too good for him", now, 'cause he has some issues with his dad and such (his mom's a JW and his dad isn't, they recently got divorced for reasons I didn't dare ask). Right, like I'm perfectly normal and sane **cough, cough paranoid psycho**. Oh, forget them... I shouldn't have to listen to that stuff, I can't be with Leo, they should at least leave me with my dreams, my hope that, maybe, someday, it could work out. They're ruining that for me.

Talking about psychological problems, I had my first consultation with Keila today. It went pretty well after I relaxed enough to talk a bit. She didn't say much what she thinks might be "wrong" with me, but I noticed her making very careful notes about my parents... Well, everybody has family problems, right? RIGHT?!?!?

Moving on. I was reading Bethany's journal today. I found myself about to cry soooo many times while reading about her and Tony back when they were still just dating. It's even sweeter because I know that there was a happy ending (or beginning?), they got married... So different from my journal, all complaints and no action... But it doesn't matter, I'm sure it'll get better soon (can't get much worse, now, can it?). And, meantime, I can at least read other people's! Mwahahahahahahahahaha... (Why am I doing an evil laugh? That wasn't evil at all! It was sad!!!)

I miss Leo. He wasn't at the congregation on Sunday, and I didn't have the nerve to call today. The other time he missed a Sunday meeting I called and we ended up talking for a fairly long time on the phone (considering I'm an Internet addict and hate phones 'cause there's no way to send emoticons). But back then we were closer and nobody knew I liked him. Since I'm insane, I couldn't get myself to pick up the phone this time. I'm such a wuss... I can't even send him messages on his cell phone now 'cause I'm always afraid he'll have lent it to his brother and my messages could bring back the rumors that haven't quite died down yet.

And some good news to wrap this whole thing up: I'm doing really well on my driving lessons! Yay!!! I LOVE driving. It's one of the few things working FOR my self-confidence instead of AGAINST it nowadays. And it's just so much fun to manipulate a potential weapon finally be behind the steering wheel... Feels good to know there's at least one thing I can control. Especially now that I'm actually controlling it, and not just doing what the instructor tells me to ('cause in the first lesson I wouldn't even break or honk if he didn't tell me to, even if I knew I was going to have to).

I'm off to sleep. More good things to come tomorrow. Or soon. Hopefully...