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Artsy me - by Micha

Almost 2 and a half years now

I've had this journal for quite a while. In internet time, it's been forever. For a while, it was the only place I could express myself. I had no one to talk to, and a lot to say. I still have a lot to say. I'm a bit out of practice in saying it, though.

This journal has seen a lot of changes in my life. In fact, I don't think I ever kept a journal for such a long time, not on paper. Always had a tendency to get annoyed at what I previously said and rip pages off my journals to set them on fire. Can't exactly do that to this one, so it's survived. Been abandoned a while, then I come back, write a bit, disappear again... I'm not exactly regular. In any way.

I'm scared. Not morbidly scared, can't do anything. I'm doing (almost) everything I'm supposed to. And if I look at things positively, my life has never been as good as it is now, but that just means I have so much to lose. And while I've got lots of opportunities in front of me, I have just as many chances of screwing up. And I'm scared.

Geez, I just gotta find something to complain about, don't I?

I'm tired of putting up with the same old problems I can't fix right now. I'm tired of complaining about them. I'm tired of getting the same looks and replies when I talk about them. I'm tired of hating people just because they're tired of it all, just like me.

I want to make sense sometimes. It's not as intuitive as it should be. I'm still confused about a lot of things, although this doesn't make me fall apart anymore, thanks to therapy, I guess. There isn't much more psychology can do for me... I've learned to walk with my own legs, now I just gotta, you know, do it. I think I'm coming along alright.

This feels like going back in time. I hate this rambling on and on in a public place almost no one will see. I've gotten used to human interaction during my rants. Can't remember how I lived without it. And I did live without it for a very long time. Didn't have anyone to talk to until... fairly recently. And now, to return to this?

Well, I do still have a lot to say.

Comments

journals are really nice to have... I know they've sure helped me out a lot.

*hugs* I'm not tired of it. And I may not have good advice, but I'm here whenever you want/need to complain. I'm a good listener :D
*hugs back* Thank you so much. I need that...
I actually don't recall many rants during my time reading your journal.

That is what a journal is for though - a semi-private place that allows you to process your feelings on a subject; almost like an internal dialogue with the added online benefit of allowing those you trust to give their advice or encouragement.

It's good that you recognize what is good in life and that you're at a point like that presently. Sometimes we don't realize the good times till they're gone.

There haven't been many rants lately 'cause I haven't been posting much... But in the beginning of the journal I'd go on for pages and pages... well, ok, no, but at least several paragraphs. As opposed to my recent 2-liners. =P